Friday, September 29, 2006

The Further Adventures of Sgt. Andy

Todays guest poster is Sgt. Andy of the Patio Police . Take it away Andy.

" Ahem, cough..This is Sgt. Andy just in from patio patrol. All appears quiet after last nights shift. I did gain admission to the Palace for a brief stay and was again offered what the Queen's staff refer to as Bovine Wine . It was delicious . I did not gain an audience with the queen and only spotted some of the retainers on her staff. Apparently they have some security issues that they are reviewing and therefore do not have the time to schedule a proper audience . It is much the same for me on patio patrol , especially with the recent sightings of the terrorist group known as the Tree Rats. Recent intelligence reports indicate that the Tree Rats have had a successful recruiting drive and my own shifts may double in order to maintain the palace security . Negotiations with the Canine Commandos continue for their added support against further incursions from the Tree Rats . I happen to know that the Queens human retainers are not above offering bribes so that may induce the canines to cooperate .

Hopefully my application for a promotion to internal palace guard is still under consideration.
I understand that the review process is quite involved and there is some question as to my qualifications . I feel that I have gained one of the human attendents support. The one referred to as " Daddy " seems more pliable than the other human attendent. The female attendent known as " Mommy " may prove problematic and she has quite the reputation as far as having the human trait of what they refer to as stubbornness . I am a rather patient fellow , so I shall continue on and hope for the best.

Well, my shift on patrol is just about over, so I guess it's time to head to the Barracks. alert . Tree Rats are everywhere .

Sgt. Andy
Patio Patrol Unit # 1.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Damn You Bravo Channel

Aunty Pol has yet another obsession . " Project Runway" on the Bravo Channel.

It began innocently enough on a quiet Sunday when Hisself was out playing goof. Having channel surfed my poor lil digits to the bone, I stumbled on a PR marathon . Shazam...backround noise as it were for the Shadout Mapes routine at la Casa. Friends and co-workers had raved about the show , using their secret language and references . " Santino ? " " Pure Crazy " . I usually ignored them as they ignored my raving about Battle Star Galactica , or worse still muttering and swearing as I'd sit and re-edit my resource sheets for the RPG and cursing the GM . I am sure they were as clueless about this , as I was about their shows. What evs.

Bravo is known for running a slew of eps on a Sunday before the new eps air.

On the second round of the same marathon, I started watching.

And thus did I create my own Doom.

I became a member of Team Angela - NOT !!!!!!!!!

I do know however what the hell a fleurchon is now . It's called the fabric flower that Angela ( Crazy Bizotch) put on anything and everything....including her own ass !

The premise of the show is quite simple . Take 15 wanna be fashionista's , give them an absurdly low amount of dead presidents, a challenge or a task to create a garment , and then critique it after a runway show.


Fair Enough.

First off, the carrot is a spread in " Elle " magazine, $100,000.00 to launch their own line and a cutesy sports car.

A few of the first people to be voted off were so completely forgettable that I cannot recall their names, faces or creations.

Poor Malan . His challenge assisted by Bonnie the Bozo was to create a pageant gown for Tara Conner to wear in the Miss Universe pagent. Now maybe it's just old Pols view point, but seriously kids....if I were going to compete , I'd want to win....and nothing spells loser like hiring some Armani wanna be to design my gown. Malan was terribly sweet, and enough of a stand up guy to take the hit for his design as team captain. Buh Bye Malan. Saw that one coming. Get rid of the guy who actually had talent . And the ratings do what again ?????

One of my fav's ...Kayne ( The Queen of Oklahoma ) won that challenge and his gown was like buttah . I could have phoned that one it for jeebus sakes. How many times did he proclaim that the he had worked ( snerk) pageants for years honey and had two..not one , but two dress shops . But his personality came through as very sweet ( be nice) and genuine. I was truely sorry to see him get " Auf'd". Note to Kayne....Honey if you ever do make's a Salon..not a shop ..m'kay ?

As with every show , you have people who every one just hates or is the Class Crazy ( Med's not kickin it ") who is one step away from referring to themselves in the third person. I think that those characters are the most fun to watch because the rest of the group that the CC is envolved with alternates between sheer panic ( OMG..what the F is he/she doing ) and complete entertainment doing impressions ( some dead on ) of the CC.

And then there is Angela ( Jubilee Jumbles) , queen of the ass roses. In one challenge, the afore mentioned pageant, she was teamed with Vincent Libretti . Yup. You guessed it, the Class Crazy.
Every one could see that Vinnie the CC was to be kind, nucking futts. Seriously . And this bizotch did just about everything in her power to undermine Vinnie. She acted like your kid bugging the shit out of you on a car trip. The more you ask you kid to knock it off....the more they do what is making you crazy . It should be noted however that in some families this is considered good training for marriage . Heh . I think she was genuinely suprised at the amount of sheer animosity the others felt for her . Yeah Angela, ass roses will pretty much unify a group. Just sayin .

Anyhoo, as the episodes continued, some people got " Auf'd" early and for reasons that were justified more often than not. Some of the eps were suprising . One of the guys got das boot from the shows itself for having pattern books in his room. Fair 'nuf. But hold on a second.

In the very first challenge, the victims...oops...designers had to grab what ever they could from the apartments they were staying in and stuff that gear in laundry bags in 15 minutes time. The gals were less messy than the boys were. The boys trashed their apartment like they were a Rock Band. Seriously trashed the crib . Now..bear with me. Jeffrey ( Is there a rehab for tatoo's ? ) stated that he was mollified to see that none of the stuff that had been trashed had been replaced. MORON . If you trash your bed, and leave it stripped to the bed slats, don't whine about it. There is a reason animals don't shit in their own nests....think about this between tatoo sessions, ok ? That being said, if one of the guys had those books, come no one spotted them till 2 or 3 episodes later ? Dude....there was no place to hide them. The apartment was TRASHED . Just wondering .

Angela ( Jubilee Jumbles ) and Vincent the CC got " Auf'd " and then invited back one more time. The rest of the designers were so completely " Oh shit....Noooooo" that they didn't make the attempt to hide it. LMAO .

And lets not forget Laura ( Skeletor) the " I am an architect from New York. I have a lot of things to say about her. First..woman...cover yourself. NO one and I mean NO ONE wants to see your boney ass sternum. Period. And just the thought of you being knocked up again with child number 6 makes me want to hoark. EWWWW. She was and is a bored Society Matron wanna be who thinks nothing of making the following remark about the newest hatchling she ' s gestating. " Just another one to throw on the pile. " Wire hangers anyone ? She did have her human moments until you realize that you can't make the above mentioned remark and them plead your belly when you get in over your head . I'm just sorry the damn dog didn't bite you in the earlier episode . Maybe there is however a lil giftie in your tote bag that you put the adorable dog in so you " Wouldn't Have to TOUCH IT."

Then there are the Judges.

Nina Garcia , the Editor from Elle is just plain mean. Pfffftttt.

Michael Kors is a hoot . Not so much I'm going to actually buy his fuggly ass shoes from Dillards , but a hoot none the less. He could however step away from such frequent mystic tan sessions. I assume that he gets a discount if he goes with his mommy , Joan but seriously . He's beginning to look like a sweet potatoe.

Neither guest judge Vera Wang or Diane Von Furstenberg have aged well . Damn..ladies get a friggan facial at least. You guys are making Yoko look good by comparison. Zak Posen is adorable. He reminds me of the Elf character Bernard in Tim Allen's " Santa Clause " movies, and I mean that in a good way.

Heidi Klum comes across as very sweet until you piss her " Auf" . Her glare could strip paint.

And then there is Den Mother , Tim Gunn. He's interesting and his critiques are well thought out in the developement process at Parsons. Some like Michael were smart enough to listen . Others like Vincent the CC ( a basket is not a hat Vincent , it's a basket) did not.

It's down to the final four I believe, Michael , Uli and Laura and Jeffrey .

The season finale is in a couple of weeks , and then there is the free gift with purchase. The reunion show. Heh. I'm taping that bad boy.

And best of all ?


The sixth season of Smallville starts tonight, the second season of Dr. Who starts tomorow and Battle Star Galactica is starting the third season a week from tomorrow .

Life is good at the Casa.

Have a great weekend...really.


Aunty Pol

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Frolicing with the Full Moon....

Within thirty minutes of getting into the office , trusty side kick " Kick " ( How original , I know ....STFU ) and I began to notice that we were in the midst of what we call " Flying Monkeys ." Aka ...the chimp squad from the WOZ . It's a certain emotional level that is akin to Peter Finch's brilliant speech in " Network " . People who are normally civil ( or what passes for here at the office ) were surley, short's my normal crew . The peeps I refer to are those who are usually somewhat under the proverbial radar . I know it's a short week with the holiday and all, but this is a problem again...why ????? I was agog that some of the placid posse were exhibiting what could almost be classified as personalities . I kid you not. Spines were grown , cats danced with dogs, SU re-grew get the idea . Then I began to notice that the placids now with spines began to just flat out act stupid. They began to panic . " If so and such comes in will you let me know ? " DUH ! Some got the look, some got the benefit of the doubt , ( hey...I CAN be nice, I got a great new hair cut..razor cut even) and the rest got ingnored . Ignored/ for me . And on it went. " I need to get this to the IRS !" Reply " Snookims , it's 4: 19 , and they close at 4 : 30 . Unless you can sprout wings or a scud missle out of your ass fergitit . Hint....try getting it to me in a reasonable manner next time. " Then of course Snookims is all...buh buh attorney....." . Me : " You may feel free to quote my answer to you back to them , verbatim ." Nothing like working here with a full moon.
Snookims and Friends forget that I have been doing this since the Punnic Wars and By Gawd, I do know WTF I am doing. Nothing chaps my ass faster ( and if the ass gets any bigger , it gets it's own zip code ) that for Snookims and Friends to act as if I don't know my job or are unable to do it . Unlike others, I show the hell up. YOU know who you are .

SU is playing cards tonight, thank you Jeebus and I have a date with Andy and a highball.

Can't wait for the bitching that will ensue when Snookims and Friends realize it's a full work week . I shall take great personal delight in reminding them that there are a lot of others out there who would love to have a job. Don't think I won' t do it either .

Rant Over .

Take Care,


Aunty Pol .

Friday, September 01, 2006

Not a total waste.....

It was one of those Fridays approaching a holiday weekend that I'd been predicting all week. GRRRR....some people are so set in their ways that you could phone it in.

I will point out also that in comparison, yesterday was worse . By 9 : 30 a.m. , I felt the need to go down the street to the local Randalls and get a buggy full of raw meat to fling about. Somebody pee'd in the collective karmic pool up here at the office . Almost every one was " Wah...wah...wah....but I don't want to work tomorrow " . Fine...schedule it off. Call in sick.....STFU for crissake . GET OVER IT . I would have liked it off to, but it wasn't gonna happen, and no ...I don't get to leave early . I am the last Mohican , working a full day. That is my job . Period .

Today the usual. People who come back from lunch bail at 2 . Standard behavior. " Buh Bye now...have a great weekend.

But the bright spot .


For the last two weeks, we have been doing a fund raiser thingy for the Houston SPCA . There are two huge ass boxes in the kitchen chock full of stuff. There was also a bake sale today ( Food People...Food in the for it ) . Our Intranet daily memo has been running photos of pets and their parents for the last two weeks . " Match the pet to the parent ." If you pick and want to change..costs a buck to do so. All in all I have heard we raised in cash alone either $500.00 or $700.00 . Not too shabby people..not to shabby at all .

I am going to focus on the good and forget the 'tude . That is until the next holiday, which is Turkey Day and Moi will be visiting the cutest baby girl in the known universe.

" Buh Bye Now.."


Gotta dig it.

Have a safe holiday...really...all y'all can do it .


Aunty Pol .