Thursday, May 21, 2009

Warning..A Coffee Snorter

This is from retail hell underground...a new daily read of mine . Of course I had to share this with the Dark Lords Of The Underworld here at the office because they are mah buds and have a sense of humor...we work for lawyers..we have to have at least one sense and humor beat species survival .

Besides food service, in a previous life I worked retail..and yet still managed to retain a fondness for shopping..of course I do it all on line .


Retail Therapy Blog

How To Annoy the Technical Support Center

Some of us deal with customers as well as idiots from our own companies.
Here is list from Lisa of her coworker's main gripes:

Enjoy -- JohnnyBob

Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

When the support person says he's going to fix the problem and will have to call you back, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when he calls you back and then call back angry that the resolution left on the answering machine did not fix the problem.

When you call, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your software because your computer won't power on at all.

When support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call support. There's electronics in it.

When a support person tells you that the return was never sent, argue. We love a good argument.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. Be sure to tell us how easily you could do this last year with your old printer.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

When calling to check a return be sure to tell us just the name and do not have the SSN readily available because we only have 26,000 customers with millions of returns that pass through our servers.

Please email us your return so that we may complete it for you. We have nothing better to do on April 10th.

If the email does not work DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT check to see if you are connected to the internet. Because email has no affiliation with the internet connections.

When transmitting your returns to us be sure to send them from every computer in your office to facilitate speed and accuracy.

We understand that once you touch the computer keyboard you are instantaneously awarded Summa Cum Laude for networking.

When you place a CD into the cup holder don’t bother checking to see if there’s coffee already there.

Please, scream into the phone. We are testing our ability to withstand multi-decibel ranges in sound.

Don’t forget to call us every nasty name you can think of. Part of our evaluation includes counting the number of animal names our clients are able to utilize.

Remember NOT to thank us for responding to your asinine question. We understand that lower levels of life require higher maintenance.

Yes, we all have x-ray vision and can see right into your wee, teeny, itty bitty ‘puter.

Yes, we are all certified psychics never tell us what you actually need.

Yes, we do provide tax information. Dial 1-800-CALL-IRS.

Don’t mind the extra sales tax we’re charging this year; we need to buy fishing boots to be able to stand up in all the muck we are handed.

We will be closing at 9pm so please, feel free to call us at 8:59 and ask us why you are getting an error that freezes your software.

Let us guess what the error is.

Please perform all bodily functions with us on the phone as it would be rude to complete these prior to calling.

Frequently interrupt us so that you with your college education can teach us about our software; get mad that we are not solving your issue.

Please blow into the phone to check to see if we can hear you.

Feel free to call back if you do not get the answer you want to hear, someone is bound to give a crap.

Please feel free to comment on our accents, we enjoy it when you belittle the way we talk.
Don’t ever ask us nicely to do something, TELL us what to do. We like to be given orders.

I’d really enjoy hearing how the last CSR was rude or stupid or that he or she hung up on you.

I would also like to hear the life story of your clients. I enjoy the sob stories. I truly do give a crap.

Please continue to relate every function of the software to your previous software when complaining because we emulate our software to be just like them.

Do not call right when you are having the problem, please let it build until the software is completely broken.

No, you do not have to know your operating system or internet connection type when you call, we can play the guessing game again.

Feel free to take your work home with you and be sure to call us when the children are at their worst behavior. We love hearing the tantrums of small children
Do not cover the phone when you yell to them that you are on the phone.

Feel free to call in the midst of construction or any other noise that we have to talk over. We love to yell into the phones.

This is going to be one of those days..tommorow the topic will be passive aggressive is not just for the professional anymore.



Aunty Pol

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